Dear Jonah,
There are a few things that I want
to tell you, and I am unsure of the most tactful way to do this, so here is my
rough draft. Maybe this is meant for a conversation or maybe it’s meant to just
die here on my computer with so many other thoughts.
First and foremost, I want to thank
you for loving my daughter. I don’t want anything that follows this note to
come between your relationship with her. She loves you dearly and you are the
closest thing she has ever had to a real father, and she needs that kind of
love in her life.
The other things I want to shed
light on are not easy for me to describe or explain, but I will do my best. I
hope that our relationship and friendship is strong enough to withstand what I
have to say.
You are one of my greatest friends.
There are very few people in this world that I thoroughly enjoy and look
forward to spending time with. I thought that when we started having sex that I
would be able to control my feelings for you and not become super attached, but
I do have feelings and I have a very difficult time showing them and expressing
them.
Since we became friends, I have
stood by your side in your attempts to get Autumn back. I’ve been your
confidante and I’ve pushed my feelings aside to help you try to win her back. I
know that you don’t want to hear this, but she does not deserve you. She has
not stood idly by, loving you through the sleepless nights. She has not sat
next to you in silence, while you wrestle with the demons in your head. She
hasn’t spent countless hours worrying about your well-being or carried the
guilt of not being able to be the woman who could put you back together. She
hasn’t pressed through thoughts of a future family with a man that is unable to
give her his whole heart, nor has she wondered if it would be worth living a
life of always being second best to the ghost of a girl that doesn’t care. She
has not thought if her screaming silence would be loud enough to kill you, or
if she were to speak, if that twist of the knife would be enough to do you in.
She hasn’t been waiting for someone else to return so she could be tossed to
the wayside like so many times before. Clearly, she doesn’t see you for the amazing
man that I do, because if I were ever in her shoes, with you loving me the way
you love her, I could never let you go.
Charleston was a pipe dream. For 48
short hours, I was able to have you for myself. I know it was awkward for you,
having people ask you how old your daughter was, but for me, it was a slice of
heaven. For those two days, I had almost forgotten what the weight of being a
single mom feels like. For that short time, I was reminded of what it meant to
have someone by my side-making decisions (no matter how insignificant), walking
the city, enjoying each other, and taking care of each other. Walking behind
you and Kayleigh, watching how the two of you smile at one another and holding
hands, melted a part of my heart that I hadn’t realized had frozen over years
ago. The laughter that you and Kayleigh shared echoed into the abyss of my
singleness and rang true as a bell.
I realize that you believe that
Autumn was sent to you from God, but have you ever thought about how many
little things had to happen in order for your path and mine to cross? My
marriage, my abuse, my divorce. Changing majors, changing religions, summoning
the courage to go to school, all of the crap with Hunter. Meeting Thomas, that
gigantic storm the night we saw Jurassic World. All of the missteps and
mistakes and broken promises brought me to you-and you know what? Even knowing
that I am not your first choice, hell I may not even be in your top ten, but
just knowing that you are in my life and in Kayleigh’s life, makes all of that
bullshit worth it.
I know you think that staying single
means that they hurt from Autumn is quarantined to you, but it’s not. You
staying single, hoping for a girl, makes it that much harder for those that
really do love you and want to be with you. It’s one of the shittiest feelings
in the world to feel like you just aren’t good enough for the person you so
ardently want to be with. In my small understanding of how you talk to Sara,
she probably is very familiar with this feeling as well. Especially when you’re
so wonderful with our children. The hurt spreads. Your wound pours out into
your family, your friends, your job. You are not the only one hurting in this
situation. You may have taken the brunt of the blow, but the shockwave has
blown out into every other part of your life. I know it feels like it should be
a unique situation, but I assure you, anyone over the age of 17 has felt what
you are feeling. Every living breathing person, has had one relationship that
has rocked them to their core and shaken their soul. Everyone knows what it
feels like to have that one person that you need, reject you. But there’s magic
in that. There is magic in thanking that person for shaping you into who you
are- broken pieces and all. There is glory in forgiving them for what they have
done to you. There is strength in accepting that that person was in your life
to show you your weaknesses. There is joy in letting them go, no matter how
difficult and impossibly looming that task feels. You’re stronger than what she
did to you. You’re better than the brokenness she makes you feel. You are wise
beyond her years.
Maybe this is all too much or too
intense, but I want you to know that I love you. I don’t say it lightly, you
are not an easy man to love. In loving you, I can hope, that even though she
doesn’t deserve you, that Autumn would come back to you and make you the
happiest man on the earth. Even though if you were to open your heart to me,
you could make me the happiest woman. I could give you the kind of life you
want. Unconditional love, beautiful children, a warm home, loving arms to come
to at night, and utter devotion to being the best person for you. The choice is
yours. I can let you go, not because you aren’t mine, maybe you never will be,
but because I love you and because I want you to be content and joyful. I want
you to have a future that you’re proud to work for and proud to come home to. I
want you to be the best version of you possible, and my only hope is that you
feel a fragment of these things for me.
I don’t know what the next step is
here, other than wallowing in self-loathing for letting myself feel this way for
you. Chances are high that this will never actually make it to you, but it’s
cathartic to watch these words come to life nonetheless. You’ve changed me. You
are the manifestation of my wish upon countless stars. You are more than I
bargained for. If there comes a day when I could call you mine, I would cherish
you. We are the finest souls who have gulped pain and avoided making others
taste it.
These are all
things I want you to know, but I don’t want to tell you.
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